As You Go
by Dimensional Hetalian
Summary: Matthew pulled the trigger, he should be dead, why wasn't he dead? Maybe it has something to do with his white haired angel that keeps visiting him at night. Trigger Warning , Prucan


**This fic is so rushed that it makes me sick to even look at it. I am so sorry... But here you go anyway. This is sort of a song fic to 'As You Go' by RED **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the idea for the fic**

**Warnings: Attempt suicide **

**Parings: Prucan**

* * *

**As You Go**

Actions hurt…

Words killed…

But feeling nothing… that burned… it felt like someone was stabbing a hand right through you. But you wouldn't care… you'd want to feel something, anything. Not this endless void that ate away at you. No one would look at you, no one would talk to you… it's not because they hated you, no. If they met you they would instantly like you for your kind nature. It was that they didn't notice you, didn't see you…

You're invisible, to everyone around you, your family, your friends, your people. No one could see you, no one could remember you. It's almost as if you didn't exist. And maybe you don't. Maybe you're just a figment of someone's imagination.

But no, that's not it. Every once in a while someone will notice you, remember you, but this doesn't make you happy. Because then they mistake you, beat you, think your something you're not. Only to notice you're not what they think. They apologize again and again but it doesn't help, because you know it'll happen again.

You know this because it's happened for years.

No one remembers your name.

Who are you?

You're Matthew Williams.

**| Hetalia**

Matthew didn't remember anything beyond holding a gun to his head and pulling the trigger. He looked up at the white clearing of the hospital room. He was hooked to several machines and white bandages were wrapped around his head. No one knew quite how he survived, some miracle or something.

But Matthew didn't see it that way; he saw it as a curse. It was as if he was doomed to stay in this world where no one could remember him. He wished he had died, wished that when he had pulled that trigger that he had blown his brains out. Why hadn't he?

The doctors said it was because the bullet didn't go through his head, it skid over it. This made no sense to Matthew, he knew he had the gun pointed right at his head, it couldn't have just skidded. He sighed, turning over and closing his eyes, the antidepressants they had given him weren't working very well, but the pain medication sure was. They had given him, perhaps a little too much. He was a bit loopy and not everything was in focus, maybe they had given him something to sleep as well. All he knew was everything was that he was dizzy and couldn't see straight.

He looked at the door, seeing a doctor come in, talking to someone. Matthew didn't think much of it, a doctor and nurse came to check on him every few hours, but for some reason Matthew knew something was off. In the back of his mind he knew the doctor wasn't talking to a nurse.

He could barely see the doctor's lips moving and could only faintly hear him talking. But from what he caught, he could tell he wasn't talking to any hospital staff. He looked back at the door as the person he was talking to stepped in. His eyes widened, the person that stepped in was no human. He was an angel.

His pure white hair was gleaning and Matthew swore he could see a halo above his head and wings on his back. But what caught his attention where the beautiful red orbs that was staring worriedly at him. The angel walked over to him, placing a hand on his head and brushing back a few strands of his light blond hair. His pale hand moved to rest on Matthew's cheek.

The angel smiled down at him and ran his thumb across Matthew's cheek in a comforting jester. He knelt so that he was face to face with Matthew. The smile never left his face, and as he got closer Matthew's heart began to beat faster, he eyes never leaving the red orbs staring back at him.

The angel's lips were moving but Matthew couldn't hear them, the drugs already taking a hold of him. He struggled against the drugs, wanting to hear the angel's voice, wanting to hear what he had to say. Finally he broke through the haze, as the angel's voice reached his ears, his heart skipped a beat.

"Through it all remember, I am by your side, through it all, as you go…" the beautifully pure voice faded as Matthew slowly drifted off, he mentally cried out, the angel, his angel, fading as the drugs took full effect. Soon the world faded, and Matthew was left in darkness.

**|Hetalia **

When he awoke he wasn't near his angel, nor in a hospital. He was back on his roof, eyes watching the sun come up for what he thought would be his last time. His hand moved without his permission, lifting a gun to his head. His eyes filled with tears as his finger slipped over the trigger and began to lightly press down. Everything went in slow motion, the gun was kicked and his finger pulled the trigger. But he didn't feel the pain; the pain of a bullet grazing his head, the pain of being shot. There was nothing.

A figure moved in front of him, his heart jumping when he saw that it was his angel. Tears ran down his face and he wanted nothing more than to jump into the angel's arms. But he couldn't move, he looked down at Matthew with saddened red eyes, kneeling down he brushed away the tears. "Do not cry meine liebe… You are loved."

He cried harder at being touched. When was the last time someone had touched him? When was the last time Alfred had given him a high-five or a pat on the back? When was the last time Francis had hugged him? It felt like years…

The angel frowned more, gently pulling the crying nation into his arms, kissing his cheek. "The world alone can hate you… the world alone can break you… through it all remember, I am by your side, as you go…"

With that the angel faded, disappearing with the rising sun. Matthew watched him go, sad to see him go, shivering without his warmth.

Slowly he opened his eyes, realizing he wasn't on his roof, he was still in the hospital, it had been so real though… He looked toward the window in his room, usually it would be closed, but today it was open, letting in the cold fall air. He shivered and was about to pull the blanket over him more when he felt something in his hand. He looked down and opened it.

An iron cross necklace along with a small note was in his palm. Carefully he pulled the necklace over his head, his heart lighter as if his angel was there with him. He then opened the note, eyes widening with what it said.

'_The love within you can heal these tears that burns, through it all remember; I am by your side, as you go.'_

**| Hetalia**

It was weeks after he found the note and necklace that they finally released him. Matthew could tell they were hesitant to do so. He couldn't blame them though; after all he had tried to put a bullet in his head. But Matthew never wanted to do that again.

Through the whole experience many people had come to visit him, almost all the nations. Alfred was there the most, always telling him stories when he was happy or sobbing and apologizing over and over again if he was feeling sad or guilty. But even though he loved the company of the other nations that usually forgot him and his beloved twin, his favorite visitor never came during the day.

His angel came at night, in his dreams, saving him over and over. And through he knew they were just dreams, he always knew his angel had come to visit him, for every morning he would wake up, with a new saying on it, but the same saying always came after.

'_Through it all remember; I am by your side, as you go.'_

The words lifted his heart and brought a smile to his face because he knew that his angel had come, saving him again. He walked down the street, rereading the most recent note over and over.

'_The time we had is fading… The strength is us believing… but through it all remember; I am by your side, as you go.'_

He smiled and clutched it to his chest next to the iron cross that dangled around his neck. He glanced around him, there wasn't that many people out, but there was just enough for there to be a crowd to walk through. He kept walking until something caught his eye. He quickly turned eyes widening when he saw the beautiful snow-white hair, sun shining across it forming the beautiful halo.

The white-haired man turned slightly, showing a beautiful smile and breathtaking red eyes. Matthew's eyes widened and without knowing he began to walk across the street toward the angel, not still clutched to his chest. He was so absorbed in the beauty of seeing his angel in the daylight that he didn't notice a car heading straight for him.

The car honked and he was shocked out of his thoughts, looking toward where the car was speeding toward him, the car slammed on its breaks, but Matthew knew it wouldn't stop in time. Completely terrified he shut his eyes, waiting for the car to hit him. But he didn't feel the force of the car; instead he felt a different force, the force of a body crashing against his. Soon he found himself on the ground, the air knocked out of him.

"Birdie?! Are you okay?! Open your eyes! Speak to me! Come on!"

Matthew didn't move, didn't speak, still too terrified.

"Meine liebe please! Wake up!"

Matthew's eyes quickly snapped open, hearing those two words. His angel had called him that, his angel had… He looked up, seeing his angel hovering above him, his eyes full of concern.

"Am I dead…?"

The angel sighed in relief and ran a hand over Matthew's cheek. "Not yet birdie…"

"Birdie…" he mumbled the word, it sounded familiar coming from the angel's, but he hadn't heard the word for years now. Then a cloud passed over the sun, blocking the light that had shone down on his angel. He finally got a good look at him; seeing that he was in fact, not an angel, but his best friend, his love, his boyfriend.

"Gil…"

"Hey birdie… miss me?"

Matthew flung himself into Gilbert's arms. The Prussian had been missing for years, Matthew and the other nations were sure he was dead, but yet here he was, flesh and blood, gently holding Matthew.

"W-where were you…?"

He ignored Matthew's question, his eyes filled with tears. "Why…?"

Matthew pulled away, looking at him confused.

"Why did you do it… I come back… come to see you, and I find you with a gun to your head!"

Matthew closed his eyes, looking away.

"You were gone, everyone forgot… even Alfred… no one remembered me… I was just done…"

Gilbert held him close. "Don't ever do it again… even if something happens to me, don't. Because through it all remember; I am by your side-"

Matthew smiled, taking Gils hand and placing it over the Iron cross, close to his heart.

"As you go…"


End file.
